May 29, 2017 - 2 years ago

What are you wearing?

As human beings, we are born with an innate desire to be loved. It could be one of our most basic and fundamental needs. We used to meet potential romantic partners within our social circles or home communities but in recent years, many are taking to less traditional avenues to find love. The popularity of online dating is undeniable as it steadily looses its stigma and grows more and more socially acceptable, with 1 in 5 relationships starting online.

I have friends who are single, one divorcee, whom I secretly live vicariously through. However, while she divulges stories of blind dates and dick pics, tossing her perfectly washed, shiny hair, and crossing her shaved, moisturized legs, I wonder if we still belong on the same planet… I have vomit on my top and more to the point, im probably not going to bother changing it for at least another 3 hours when my toddler is done playing vomit skirmish) ill also change my pants then too, because this mornings weet bix on my uniform (black leggings) is no match for tanned, hair free legs… I digress.

She has found herself back on the market after many years, and turns out, it’s a jungle out there. But one recent story really got me thinking. Tongue in cheek, she sends a text to a guy shes been seeing ‘what are you wearing?’ The guy later confessed, that this text caused him to shit his pants… he looked down, trying to put into words what he saw which was his indescript work clothes hanging, in his mind, quite awkwardly from his body. Sucking in and puffing out his chest, he assesses the shirt, shorts, socks and boots… Surely a blow by blow of this get up is not what she truly wanted… he tried to read between the lines.. he did what any modern day James Bond would do. He took to google. How to reply to ‘what are you wearing’ now heres where it gets disturbing…

Every article was aimed at women… The advice on offer is a whole other conversation. But what I found alarming, was the lack of information out there for men. Surely there are plenty of guys receiving such requests, left in utter confusion, with nowhere to turn. No advice steering them to the perfect reply full of wit, charm and cheeky double entendres to save them from the embarrassment of a misguided selfie. No basic guidelines for online dating, profile mistakes, cursory language and dick pic etiquette.
Im no expert but I assure you, I have the following advice on good authority from those in the know.

PROFILE PIC: Have somebody take the picture (no selfies), ideally in a social setting. If there are others in the pic, just crop it to include as much of yourself as possible. Unfortunately, there is still a bit of a stigma around online dating, so you want to appear social, popular and normal to break free from the possible idea that you are a weirdo, hunched over your laptop, stalking women online…

TIMING: Do your online messaging at night. Statistics show between 8pm and 10pm is the ideal time to maximize response rate. During these hours, women are relaxed, showered, possibly having a glass of wine and thinking about the weekend ahead.

INITIAL CONTACT: Be careful not to give her too much value in the first interaction. Don’t assume she is ‘inundated’ by guys messaging her. And don’t put yourself in the same category as the weirdos who may be harassing her by saying something like 'you probably get tonnes of messages from weirdos'. Address her by her name and steer clear of vague questions like 'hows your day?' Make a specific comment based on something in her profile. For eg: if she has a tattoo visible, tell her you think its cool and ask her if it has a meaning? Or ask her about a holiday pic etc. Then, tell her something about yourself. Something specific and relevant, like mentioning youre own tattoo or travel experience / plans. Keep the first message under 7 lines. Again, appearing busy and social, not desperate, like you have too much time on your hands.

KEEP HER HOT: Once you have her attention, don’t let her go cold. If she responds to you, follow the tips below, but don’t leave it longer than 48 hours. If she responds right away, get back in touch the next evening – tell her something amazing youre doing, do not invite her. Tell her you will be in touch the next day.

EMOJI NO NOS: Don’t over punctuate. Keep emojis, lols and smiley faces to a minimum. Simply saying the words is more powerful. Definitely avoid kisses and hugs until after you’ve slept with her, and even then, wait for her to initiate the text kisses.. trust me on this one. Kisses are for boyfriends, girlfriends and mums – you don’t want to be in any of those categories just yet.

FLIRT: Get cheeky with her early on to avoid being placed in the friend category. Double entendres are extremely useful at this stage in the game. Every interaction is ‘game on’. Don’t message her saying ‘good morning’, don’t chat with her all day long. Make each of these early interactions count. Always seek out opportunities to utilize the double entendres to your advantage and to plant that seed, make your intentions clear and show sexual confidence. For example, you could say something like 'weather man says theres a chance you could get wet' - Or 'I need to get back to work but you're making it very hard' Look for opportunities, be creative and be bold. Don't be coy and don't be apologetic for your flirtatiousness. If she does go cold or call you out in a negative way, turn it around by teasingly telling her she has a dirty mind. Playfully tell her she's a massive pervert. Or tell her you think its cute that she's a little bit shy. Without going into it, just trust me. This works.

LENGTH DOES MATTER: Once she responds, maintain the power balance by matching her message length. If she keeps hers short, don’t respond with an essay. This is particularly important if your online messages advance to texts. Iphones clearly show your text history and you want it to be 50/50 otherwise a power imbalance is going to become evident. Take her lead and match the length of her messages.

LEAVE HER WANTING MORE: Once you are messaging back and forth, its important to know when to break raport. You might be getting flirtatious, starting to make some ground.. Break rapport at a high note in the conversation. Let her know you’ve enjoyed hearing from her, youre going to be thinking of her the rest of the day. Or its going to be hard for you to focus, but you need to get back to work. You will be in touch later. Its hard and it can be risky.. But it can be very high reward. Try it.

OFFLINE: Eventually you need to take it offline and meet with her face to face. This needs to be dinner, but not formal. You want somewhere you can be close to her, not across the table. Ask for a corner to booth so you can set the mood with some flirtatious touching, and you can also people watch together which will give you a conversation ice breaker. Shes going to ask if you have done this before. Its important that you answer this correctly. You don’t want her thinking youre an online dating whore, yet still single… That doesn’t add up. But you also don’t want her to think shes the first – why has no one else wanted to date you? So let her know you’ve done it a ‘couple of times’ but not had the greatest experience. Again, you want to appear popular, cool, normal and 'dateable'. Then move on from that part of the conversation.

Hopefully Ive helped you reach the first date and even given you some new found confidence. We've come so far together, I can't just leave you standing at the restaurant door, wondering what the fuck to do next... Read on for some basics.

When you meet her face to face, hold your hand out to meet hers, palm facing upwards. Let her hand rest in yours while you kiss both cheeks. Always let her walk in front. Touch her throughout the conversation any time you want to emphasise a point. Wait for a pause in the conversation.. Look at her and smile.. a cheeky smile. A knowing smirk, but don't say a word. At this point, she will ask you what you're smiling at. Tell her you just love her legs, her breasts, her arse.. This needs to be a sexual compliment. If she goes for it, Congratulations.. If she backs away, say you're a huge flirt, but do not apologise. Say 'well you do, and I couldn't help myself because i am a massive flirt' then move on. Girls love a self proclaimed flirt and this also means that she need not read into your comment too much as its simply in your nature to speak this way with women. There are many more tips for the various stages of dating, which will possibly follow. But for now, remain cool, attentive, flirtatious, cheeky and never back down. If you are ever shut down in any way, stand by your words and your actions, unapologetically. It shows confidence and integrity.

But for now, you're on your own!

By Kirra Galea


'The scary thing about dating is you are either going to marry that person, or break up' - Anonymous